Only Visiting This Planet

Partying with a 1 year old

2009-11-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

Lil Red with his birthday balloon...

Mommy helping open presents...

The cake was vegan but with all that fat and sugar it wasn't too bad...

Turns out Lil Red is vegan... except for meat. The thing is he breaks out in freaky red welts on his face when he has dairy or eggs. So I made him a vegan cake using Egg Replacer and Almond Breeze. Did you know Oreos are vegan? I used Oreo crumbles too. I made a half-hearted attempt at being vegan when I was a teenager so I know some things, such as, you can eat a lot of junk food and still be vegan.

We had 4 guests all together. The carpet now has some ground in Oreo crumbles to match all the other stains. Whoever thought of cheap light beige carpeting has never met a toddler, or a clumsy 29 year old for that matter.

Rollback 365 days

2009-11-06T14:51:00.000-08:00

I could not help myself. I am back, at least for now to say...this was me exactly 1 year ago.

I didn't know it at the time but in this picture I was pretty much exactly 24 hours away from looking at Lil Red for the first time ever. I cannot tell you how weird it is to consider the fact that he was rolled up in my stomach a mere year ago. As of today, he's walking, almost talking, eats meat and potatoes, throws his own diapers in the trash and seems like he's been here forever.

In the hospital, skin ablaze with redness and irritation. The heart is to ensure proper modesty. He's not nursing in the picture but at that time I was not concerned with being properly covered. He was the biggest baby in the mother baby unit at the time and all the nurses kept poking in to check out his hair, which was apparently the talk of the town.

A few days old, sleeping at home.

Here is a recent one :) He loves taking baths. Here he is bringing us the natural baby wash he uses. I learned that J0hnson's is no good. I have learned lots of things as I go.

LOVE YOU LITTLE HERCULES--HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

The end of the virtual road

2009-10-11T23:13:00.001-07:00

I think I need to put the brakes on this blog. Every time I write a post I end up hating it and then deleting it. Plus, if I am good about having my priorities straight, there is no excuse for spending time blogging. I have things going on right now that could take up more than every second of my free time such as really investing in my relationship with the Lord and this family. I feel like blogging has no rightful place in my life anymore.

I don't even have time to write a proper goodbye. Maybe being committed to this blog could help me grow in some way, but I don't know what to say other than I don't have the time to find out. I'm sorry. Thanks to all of you who became my friends.

I need a new blog title

2009-10-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have started reading Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Not that I have time but I sneak it in here and there. I put it on hold at the library and had to wait a month and of course my only chance to check it out is when I happen to have a project taking up all my free time, but anyway...

I am only 90 or so pages in (it's close to 500 pages) but, despite that the cover design is pretty tacky and corny, I think this is going to be one of my new favorite books. In it, Alcorn explains biblical evidence for what will eventually be a new, restored earth, not some weird psychedelic spacey experience where we all float around in spirit form not doing or knowing anything we knew on earth. I believe that what he's saying makes sense, biblically and thus I'm NOT really "only visiting this planet" because when God makes a new earth, I'll be back.

I'll have to work on my new title.

By the way, this book is great so far. I think being "heaven minded" is probably something that will only benefit us on earth. There are also parts of the book that are pretty sobering. If the path to heaven is narrow, the reality of where most people are going is deathly serious and saddening.

Job search update/ rant averted

2009-10-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

I typed up a rant but decided to drop it. It was about scam-at-home job listings that I have been finding and how old it gets pinching pennies when you have no other option, in addition to debt hanging over your head. I will just say that it is becoming clear that real work-at-home jobs are not easy to find, especially if you (like me) are not willing to make an investment to get started.

I feel myself starting to really tense up and look at the world through conspiracy theory glasses. I don't like feeling this way. I think Lil Red and I are going to have make ourselves a frozen pizza and then go for a walk. *Praying*

Looking to make a dollar

2009-09-30T15:55:00.001-07:00

I am in the *thinking* stage of considering my possibilities for earning some money at home. Does anyone have experience in this area or tips? I am looking for a scam-free, very part-time way to earn money at home. Bear in mind taking care of Lil Red and keeping my home in some sense of order is still leaves me wondering how I would do this. I don't know if anything will work out and it's actually going to have to wait a couple months because of something that's going on but I think it can't hurt to start thinking about it. Any ideas, reputable websites etc?

Lil Red earns his keep

2009-09-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

Thankful for my bestest friend

2009-09-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

Even though I was in tears the day she left, I am grateful for a 4.5 day visit from my funny, lively, sweet, lovely best friend, Kim. We met roughly 11 or 12 years ago when we were both in a very very very different place than either of us are now. It was kind of like going to war together with someone and bonding over extremely unpleasant circumstances.

We are both weird Jesus freaks now, which neither of us would have believed if you asked us back then. We just had a great time eating, talking, eating, laughing, eating, playing with Lil Red, eating, listening to lowrider oldies and pop folk rock, eating, acting stupid and eating. It is good to have someone who knew you at a time that doesn't even seem real when you think back on it. Plus we are both southern California defectors who think Del Taco is soul food.

I have learned a lot because of our friendship and things haven't always been rosy. But it is good to be the kind of person that someone can call a friend for many years, that type of friendship is special and has it's unique rewards. To me, Kim is like a big hug from God.

Our trip to a strange faraway land called Alabama

2009-09-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Time to share with you some photos and a little bit about the past couple months. Here it is in a nutshell:

1. Our family has some issues. The kind of issues that require outside help. 2. For the past 2 months we were considering moving to Alabama to live with a kind, generous, bible-believing, insightful couple (and their children) who want to help us get to a better place. 3. At this point we are most likely not moving there because that's just where life has us right now and that's okay. 4. We visited there for 5 days.

Let me give you a few of my impressions of Alabama. Going to the deep south was interesting. They say "yall" and "Maam" a lot and some of them really do have those kooky accents, they're not making it up! Everything is significantly cheaper than it is here, I lost track of the endless number of Baptist churches on every corner (which is preferable to the "adult" establishments they have on every corner here), and I think what constitutes a salad in the deep south would contain mostly meat, cheese and something deep fried. But a lot of people are so polite there that it's a bit alarming compared to what I'm used to.

Now here's a picture that's 'country'. I was told by one of the children that they have been encouraged not to name the pig as to not get too attached to it!

More fun on the farm. Lil Red was fearfully clinging to daddy in this pic. But who can blame him? What could be scarier than a baby chick?

At the park getting attacked by bugs and humidity but having fun.

I tried to get a picture of all the 9 kids at once but this was the best I could do. 8 in one picture.

When you're homeschooled, every day is an adventure.

Lil Red and his friend <3

Lil Red with another friend : ]

Having fun at the Houston airport nursery.

And now we're back in the Portland area. Still unsure of what life has in store for us but keeping God #1 and being thankful for friends that He puts in our path.

Slowing it down around here

2009-09-08T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hi to all 3 of you. I haven't been around here for over a week, which is not usual but I think I actually might be posting less frequently now. As she sometimes does, Terry articulates some of my thoughts before I even have them; but it's true, when you blog less, you can do more important stuff. Sounds good to me.

I hope to post something sometime soon about my life, with pictures and even some thoughts. But I have realized that to everything there really is a season, and this might not be the season of daily blog posts anymore, for numerous reasons that I am too tired to get into right now, sorry : ] Off to do some things in real life.

<3

Love this kid

2009-08-31T06:08:00.000-07:00

I am pretty much always feeling sentimental about Lil Red. Especially when he does stuff like starting to walk at 9 months. Often when I was out and about with him as an infant, or when I was pregnant for that matter, people would always tell me to "enjoy him" because it goes by so fast. I HAVE been enjoying him, despite my whining. I get upset when I think about him growing up and not living with me anymore. But I want him to grow up to be a godly man and go into the world when it's time. I know what the right thing is, it's just those darn emotions.

Like my filthy slippers?

Bear with me, I'm just feeling reflective. Maybe I could save all this stuff for his 1st birthday but I can't help it. Lil Red is now a full blown toddler. He walks, has 8 teeth popping through and eats bean burritos. He has always been on the fast track, eager to conquer everything early.

When I was late in my pregnancy I would sit and wonder if he could get mixed up in the hospital nursery because he'd probably be bald and just look like every other baby. Little did I know that the moment he was born you could spot him from a mile away with his mop of orange hair. By the way, note to world: you don't have to have red hair to have a red haired child! Yes, Lil Red is our biological child, and yes, people with a good percentage of Greek heritage can be red haired. Okay, mini rant over.

Another thing I love about this kid is that he's always had such an expressive face.

Here he is "talking" to me. I am so glad I have gotten to stay home with him. That's all for now. Love you, Lil Red <3

Pancakes and Coke: I wanna have a grateful heart

2009-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Upon some self examination I see that my attitude is not exactly what is called for in Philippians 2:14

(Do everything without complaining or arguing)

or Philippians 4:8

(...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.)

In fact I generally have an outlook of negativity, cynicism, complain-i-ness and selfishness. Pride is a big fat sin and it sneaks up and sneaks in.

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I think I need to take some time to have an attitude tune-up. My bad attitude has been a part of me for a long time. It seems like it's just who I am sometimes. I can't see myself putting pink floral wall paper on my blog and posting pictures of Victorian maids every where with exclamation points! and happy faces all over the place : ) : ) : ) : ) I don't see myself smiling and being sweet or bubbly. No one has ever described me as cheerful. But I will admit I am a bit envious of cheerful people.

Most of my life I have had to deal with having uncontrolable disdain for people who seem joyous or content. My bitterness has been a part of who I am for, what seems like forever. I know it doesn't really come across here but lots of people in real life tell me I'm funny and I think it has to do with the way I like to make fun of everything and everyone. Saying nice things feels like pulling teeth for me most of the time.

If you know some key information about the way my life has been, it shouldn't be too hard to see why I turned out this way. Why should I be positive when life always proves that you're a sucker for expecting something good? Is what I would think. After a while I was trained to expect pain. But then it became a way of life and when I started making my own decisions I started causing pain. No one ever feels sorry for a child molester, for example. But does anyone know that he was a sweet little bright faced boy once who was violated and trained how to hurt before he could understand what was happening to him? The thing is, his hurts are real and deep and unfair, but the hurts he causes are just as devastating.

And the cycle goes on.

I want things to change before Lil Red picks up inherits the generational sin.

People say that I'm honest and that they like that about me. But right now I'm trying to figure out how I can still be myself without allowing that stream of honesty to turn into a putrid dump truck. The truth is, I can only speak for myself but I imagine it is easier for people to dwell on 'whatever is lovely and admirable' when you've got lots to work with. If someone asks me "What's your hometown?" I say, "I don't have one, we moved a lot." Then of course they ask "Were you a military family?" I say "No" Then they look at me expecting something. I can't tell them the truth because the truth is ugly. I guess I need to find a way to be truthful and positive, even when I have almost nothing to work with. So yes, that is a challenge.

Gratefulness

Things are far from problem-free today, but it is not hard to see many things to be grateful for. I am praying for an attitude of gratitude. I am tired of going through each day seeing the bad more than the good. It's the attitude of a spoiled, entitled child who gets her kicks from being a victim. It's pride when it comes down to it. I don't know why God allows some things that are hurtful and difficult. But it really could be a lot worse. For every complaint I have there is someone wishing they were in my shoes. You too.

Grateful people must be blessed because they are the ones who will knock you clean out of your self pity when you see them operate. When I was waitressing in 2002 there was an elderly couple that came in every few days and ate pancakes and Cokes for breakfast. The man was very obviously in a state where he could not communicate or feed himself. Some of my co-workers said he had Alzheimer's real bad. His wife's smiling face would pierce my stone cold heart as she cut up her husband's pancakes and carefully fed them to him. She was the best tipper in the whole place too. I think it's safe to say this woman was choosing to be grateful.

Moving on

For a while having a bad attitude was working out well considering that my only redeeming quality was that I was cool. I was a moody artsy person who said mean funny things and intimidated people with my prickly exterior. My hope now is to shed these layers of protection, twisted coping mechanisms and vain posturing. I'm hoping for a breakthrough. If Lil Red could grow up to describe mommy as humble, happy and kind, that'd be a a lot better than if he was able to tell everyone how good I was at slicing people with my words.

Things have to change here and now with me.

Weight report/ this is why I don't wear my hair down

2009-08-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I look mean. As someone without straight teeth I can tell you that we dentally challenged folks often learn that smiling for a picture can have disastrous results.

Anyway, this picture is to show that I am finally losing a little weight, after all my whining. There's still a little beer gut though (minus the beer). I am trying to keep this whole weight thing in perspective. I don't need to be a toothpick. That said, maybe next time I won't gain 60 lbs. when I'm pregnant. By the way I'm down 40 or 41 from that so far.

Oh and what you see in this picture is the reason why my hair is almost always tied back. I do not have easy hair and yet going to a professional is not in my budget right now so this is my hair, in the raw. Just a thick, straight, disgusting blob.

God's provision lately

2009-08-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today I read this over at Barbara's:

Charity is individual, poignantly real and personal. Acts of charity transform those who give and those who receive. As someone who has given much when times were good and received much when times were tough, I can tell you it is much more real to receive from the Body of Christ than to receive from the government. (emphasis mine)

Full post here. I really enjoyed the way she put this and it hit my heart. Recently I have been on the receiving end. I just can't explain how different it is to look into the eyes of a fellow believer giving me a giant box of Costco diapers (when we only had 6 diapers left) vs. collecting and cashing out with my WIC items. It is so obvious God calls us to help eachother in a direct way.

God loves His kids. I have been experiencing what it means to rely on Him lately without my usual panic about how we're going to get our needs met or hasty moves to step in before God even gets a chance. There is such warmth in receiving a big yummy jar of almond butter from a friend, receiving clothing items meant for my family over the comfort of a personal conversation or being invited into the intimacy of someone's home.

I have partaken in my share of government programs and I can say that the hand to hand help of a dear friend is indeed where the real life change happens. It's happening to me now.

I did my part so God can do His

2009-08-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

I was listening to J. Vernon McGee the other day (like always) and I really like the way he put something. He was talking about some story that he heard. The guy came to church and they asked him why he was there and he said "I did my part and now God can do His." The church folks thought they "had him" because he was going to get it wrong...what's all this about "my part"? Then he explained. I did my part and He does His:

I did the sinning and He does the saving.

A sad little girl reminded

2009-08-18T16:06:00.000-07:00

That's what I turn into sometimes when a particular piece of information or story hits me and I am taken back to my parent's divorce.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

That's the way parents usually talk about it in front of small children. They spell out the word because they know how upsetting it is just to hear it uttered. But what's even worse is when it happens...

I can't go too deep here because this topic is so personal that I wouldn't feel comfortable laying it all bare with respect to the details of my personal experience as a child of divorce. But let me just say that coming from a home that was ripped apart at a young age changed the course of my life dramatically. Almost everything in my life would have been 100% different if my parents stayed together, even if they still were desperately unhappy with eachother.

Sometimes I am brought back to that place in my little girl heart that wishes mommy and daddy would just get back together. But now there's no one to hear and no one to care. It's tasteless to even think of saying. That's old news. You don't want to offend your easily offended step parent. The door has long been shut, hearts have grown so cold and so hard. The curtains have been drawn, roots have been ripped out, promises broken, the floor beneath feet shattered.

One of the benefits of having an in-tact home, for a child, is that they can grow; emotionally and in practical ways. They are not preoccupied by trying to survive the daily trauma. Sometimes that survival mode carries on well into adulthood; not knowing how to thrive but merely survive. Some people may have come from broken homes where they say it was "for the best" which is often not really true anyway, but I personally come from a situation where, after the divorce, things got desperately bad. Everything that could go wrong went way past that.

I will stop here, but not before I say that sometimes I am reminded that my heart is still in pieces over this. As much as divorce is talked about/ written about etc. there is a very real pain that continues to pound away in people's lives.

Cheap grace

2009-08-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm sorry, but I'm glad I finally learned what it means to not use Christ's forgiveness as a license to act like a fool. Otherwise I might also be that Christian woman posting drunk photos of myself on Facebook. What do you say? What can you say?

Going public again

2009-08-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

Call me emotionally unstable if you want, at least you'd be right.

So you think your place is small?

2009-08-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

I found this to be quite amazing. This woman lives in a 250 sq. ft. apartment (where else? In NYC of course). But the amazing part is how cute and organized everything is. The stuff she has is not expensive...it can all be gotten from IKEA, Target, thrift stores, garage sales etc. But it does take some disposable $$$ to do this type of thing (make no mistake) and some very focused time and energy.

Our current home is woefully plain and disorganized but this has provided some inspiration to me.

Pics from around town

2009-08-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

(I took these) In this photo I was on a walk with Lil Red and we came across a Unitarian church who happened to be having a pet blessing that day. Have you asked your cat about his spiritual walk lately?
Later I looked up their website. Here is a snippet from it: "We honor all the many paths to God, the many names for God, the many ways in which to worship God, for we know that God as light and love expresses equally on every path." "...honoring the universal wisdom of Jesus and other masters."

And here we have a typical Portland bumper-sticker infested vehicle (click image to see larger). It was that perfect moment when I had the camera in my purse and we were at a red light. Notice the "well behaved women rarely make history" one and "Keep abortion legal" one.

I see stuff like this so often I barely notice it but I thought I'd take a moment to reflect.

My little boy will be a man someday

2009-08-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

In a world that medicates little boys for acting male.

In a world that thinks his desire for respect and honor are mental defects.

In a world that will seek crush his competitiveness.

In a world that will try to convince him there's no difference between sexes.

In a world where men are guilty until proven innocent.

Women all around him trained to pull the divorce trigger at the slightest provocation.

Dear Lord, may my little boy grow up to be a man in spite of all this. May he not be sucked in, beaten down and shoved in a corner. May he be brave, bold and aware of what he's up against, may he be a godly man.

I know you're dying to know more about my hair

2009-08-16T17:14:00.001-07:00

Just so you know this:

was the inspiration for my wedding hair.

Also, I might go public again. Being private is kinda boring : S and believe it or not I am making progress on the "ishoo" I discussed. Sooo, if you made any comments that you don't want the world to see, you can delete 'em if you are so inclined.

How do you explain to someone that Christianity is not a cult?

2009-08-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

Please, if you are reading this give me some, any input that you think is valuable. I know there are cults that claim to be Christian. But how do you explain to someone, who knows the bible by the way, that Christianity is not simply something that we have all been brainwashed to believe? How do you explain that there is a difference between the essential message of Jesus and the bible vs. any other belief system that people are convinced is the one true way?

It's hard for me to explain. I wish I were more articulate.

Several Portland bridges: graphite and paper

2009-08-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

(Click to see larger image.)

This is a sketch I did when I was at Willamette Week, a Portland arts and culture paper. I interned there and did a small amount of paid work. Not the best environment for a Christian, but there's nothing wrong with the drawing.

Oh and here's a tip if you want to work on being a pretentious artist; use words like 'graphite' when you really just used a #2 pencil. It technically is graphite.

Wine label

2009-08-13T11:30:00.001-07:00

This is a wine label that I designed for an actual client that paid me actual money (in 2006). FYI this was before I met my husband. You can click on the picture to see it a little closer up. This label was made for a woman who made her own wine and was participating in a small local festival. It was named after an obscure Oregon literary figure who's most prominent work was written as a small child.

I had it photographed semi-professionally in one of my design classes when the instructor brought in a tripod, special lights and a background.