In light of my last post, I guess I feel a little more comfortable posting this piece, which I started writing a while back. It's about something I am well acquainted with; how lame it is when the family you come from is a hostile, fractured mess of people who have all basically given eachother the finger. It's also about how I am aware that there's a better way.*****************************************************
I don't think it's exaggerating to say there's pretty much nothing that can take the place of a loving, supportive extended family. I've seen it, and if there is something that brings me to the breaking point of sinful envy, it's this. It's a loving mother who comes over to take some of the burden off a postpartum daughter. It's a home cooked meal. It's someone who doesn't need to be paid to babysit. It's not having to decide if grandma's latest boyfriend should be asked not to attend a birthday party or if she's too stoned to be invited herself.
I am fortunate to have good friends and a good church. I can call one of my loving older women friends when I need to talk and occasionally ask for something. They tell me "call me anytime, sweetie." but let's face it, they are loyal to their blood relatives and I have never felt totally comfortable because their plates are already full. I get pushed down the list 100% of the time when it's between me and one their family members, but I'm not saying that to be bitter (even though I am) because that's as it should be.
I would like to say more about what the benefits of coming from an in-tact, low-conflict family are, but I can only imagine and observe. I see it bringing comfort, peace, familiarity, strength, support, encouragement, wisdom, advice, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, someone to rejoice with, shared memories, inside jokes, shared traditions and loyalty. Friends are one thing but take it from someone who knows: it's not the same.
As it is I have been cursed. Incidentally, I married someone who I have a lot in common with, which is good. One of the things we have in common is that we both come from depressing family situations though. This is not ideal since our son will never know what it's like to have grandparents who are married to eachother, for example, but the bright side is that Mike and I understand eachother in this way. Yes, it feels like a curse and it's hard to explain to well intentioned people who advise me to "get over it."
Mike and I are starting a new tradition. Our vision is to start fresh out of all the ugliness, selfishness, brokenness and hopelessness that we come from. We don't want Lil Red to walk around with a weight on his back like we do. No, life is not perfect for anyone but I don't think you can understand what it's like to come from what I did unless you've been there. I feel like I was thrown into this world, left on the side of the road somewhere, picked up by a crack-head and told for years that I better turn 18 soon because they were getting sick of me.
Lil Red, your dad and I want to see the light in your eyes that says "I have a family and there's so much love in our home."
7 comments:
I cried when I read your post. :) My mother comes from a background very much like yours. I did not have a normal grandmother relationship with my mom's mom. I only saw her about 5 times in my life. She was not someone my mom and dad wanted us to know. I am so glad that they guarded us from that lifestyle. Your son will someday appreciate you for what you are doing. The important thing is that you are breaking the cycle. You are changing it. You are raising your son with a totally different family life and that is SO important.
Awwww, thanks, Lynn : ]
I am actually making the pasta salad from your blog tonight but I was having trouble with the comment form to tell you.
Oh Catherine.....I can only imagine some of the hardships you've described. I think it's a bit flippant to say to someone who's seen these things all her life to "get over it." Anyway, what matters now is the love you & Mike give Red, and the tone & mood you will establish in your home for him & any other children you may have.
May God bless you & yours,
Brenda
Dear Catherine:
I'm sorry for the pain of your past. It makes me think of Psalm 40
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD.
One day that crazy family of yours "shall see what God has done for you and fear and shall trust in the Lord."
Your family resolution to start fresh is great. After all, 2 Cor 14
says "for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?...Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord,
We have lived away from family support our entire marriage. I look back now and see God's goodness in this. Marriage has ALWAYS been difficult for me (for us) The fact that we are still married (and nobody is dead-LOL) is testimony of God's grace in my life. It's only recently that I am finally learning about submission and letting go of selfishness. Parenting - even harder. It is lonely when you know what you want for your kids but you don't know how to do it and you have no one to go to for the answers.
What I have learned through my own loneliness and lack of generational support is
1) God will supply all my needs.
2) Wait on the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
His promises are true and He is greater than any "ideal" family. Thank you for your honesty - I am praying for you.
Mrs. Santos
Catherine, I can relate to what you're saying- somewhat. I ws raised in a somewhat fractured family, though nothing like what you describe. I have experienced some trauma and have pretty much kept my struggles to myself, with the exception of talking to my hubby and one other person.Everyone gets along reasonably well inmy family, but it's all very surface- there is no muti-generational support. As a mom, I am pretty much on my own.
Now my husband was raised in a family that is very large, loving, and supportive, though certainly not perfect. My children have been very blessed to have been born to parents where at least one parent has a family like that.
I would never tell you to just "get over" everything you've been through.The most important thing in your case, however, is that you and your husband are starting a new tradition for you growing family. And be thankful to God for placing you in a church where mentors and supportive women ar eavailable. For many of us, that is not the case. They're all at work.
It's so great to hear that you're starting a new legacy and breaking the old, ugly one that was passed down to you. That's really all we can do.
And about the older women who are busy w/their extended families, leaving little time for you? I pray that you find one, perhaps like you, whose family is either gone, living far away, or some such thing. There are lots of people like this who need to dote on you as much as you need the doting. :)
I love your idea of starting a new legacy for your son. I have a wonderful extended family, but we are all so spread out that we only see each other once every other year when we make a point to all come together at one place. May God grant your vision and may you and Mike become the patriarch and matriarch of a large, connected family full of love for God and love for each other!
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