This has been heavy on my heart off and on for years. If you are a longtime reader to this blog and the defunct old blog, you may know some pieces of sobering information about my childhood. The reason I don't say anything now is because I was told by someone who is supposedly right about everything (Dr. Laura) that I have no business discussing anything, publicly, about people who are still alive. Yes, I was one of those callers to her show that got chewed out.
ANYWAY, you may or may not (probably not) know that one of my close family members threatened to sue me for slander over some information on my old blog, not Home Girl but a Vox blog before that. This information was all true but I wanted to be the bigger person and simply deleted it as to avoid an inane law suite.
Part of me feels like I am being held prisoner. There are things that happened in my childhood that are very uncomfortable for most people to hear (or read) about just because of how unpleasant they are. As you might imagine, the people who are still alive and were involved in these things would like, more than anyone, for me to shut up about it. In a sense I can understand that because, having acknowledged my status as a sinful human, I have no shortage of hurts that I've done to others. I can imagine it's not the most enjoyable thing to have someone discuss some of my worst offenses.
But here I am almost totally unable to share about my childhood because there's almost no way to do it without explaining the context in which it took place, and that context is ugly. I feel like it's easy for some people to dole out advice about not making anyone look bad but it's adding insult to injury when you've been traumatized and then made to be silent. I am not perfect. I freely acknowledge that I am not totally over my bitterness. But how do you work something out if you're pressured into keeping silent about it? Let me add that working through it is not my only desire. Obviously I have overcome a lot. I lead a relatively decent and functional life considering all these crazy things I've experienced. Is that not a glory to the Savior?
I can't afford a counselor. I'd like to discuss it on my blog. Sometimes writing and getting feedback is therapeutic, especially when there is an outside perspective offered. But I am open to the possibility that I'll have to keep quiet about it.
Do you have any thoughts about this?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
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11 comments:
There are lots of blog formats that let you post friends locked posts. I use livejournal which is free. I filter about 95% of the posts I blog on there according to who I want to read them. Since you already have an audience following you here you might not want to move some content to a site where the person has to sign in before reading it, but if you have a few blog friends in particular who you want to share with, you could always invite them to make a free account so that you can discuss personal things there without worrying that the rest of the world can see.
Another idea might be to write whatever you want and post it somewhere that isn't your blog so that if anyone comes accross it, They don't know who you are or any other info about your life. It would be easy to not have it link back to you at all. Then you could just link to it from this blog. You could even just send the link to people who wanted to read it, without posting the link at all, The discussion could even be in this entry.
It is important to talk about stuff. New perspectives are often very helpful.
There is much more I'd like to write on my blog regarding at least one family member, and ex-members as well, but I refrain because I don't want to stir up the kind of things you wrote about!
The two solutions below are ones I've thought about doing, however, I haven't given in to the private blog yet. There are days I wish I could have a captive audience for venting and frustration and to get input from more objective people in blog-land who might have some pearls of wisdom to help me.
My two more thoughts:
1) You could have a private blog for those feelings so that the whole world doesn't have access.
2) Resolve to blog to God about these things until the people involved are deceased.
I completely understand. I have a couple closely related relatives who have threatened to sue me for slander for things I have said to other relatives in a private context. So there is NO WAY I would blog about past or current struggles I've had with them in case they recognized themselves. Not in a public context.
My advice? Don't cast your pearls to the swine. You've already deleted two blogs so you know there are swine out there in the bloggershpere.
I'm not sure what your local church is like, but that should be the best place to develop those relationships where you can divulge more of your past and current struggles with it and receive feedback and encouragement. These are the people who will know you best and can care for you best - the ones who will be there for the long haul and cry with you when you grieve and rejoice with you in your victories.
Internet friends are a very poor substitute for that kind of friendship.
If you are serious about needing therapy - your pastor should be a good person to go to.
If not, and if your church has no context for building the kind of friendships I described then maybe another church is in order?
I know of a couple in your area that are GREAT churches where you will find encouragement and wise counsel.
My heart aches for you. I've read your blog for a while but am de-lurking now. I used to be a lawyer before I quit to stay at home with my son (who's just about your son's age!) Please let me assure you that anyone who came to a lawyer with the scenario you described would be laughed out the door. Your relative(s) wouldn't have any chance of getting a lawsuit started, much less in front of a judge!!
My advice? Talk about what's on your heart. Moderate comments if need be. Those who have hurt others have no right to their victims' silence.
Could you make up fakey names? Is that a dumb idea?
I had a blog that I recently deleted for several reasons. I have gone through several times of difficulty that I chose not to write about on my blog because I didn't know who would be reading it and I didn't want to offend anyone.
One option is to write in a journal. I know that that is a way that has always been very therapeutic for me. Also, just crying out to the Lord and, as Beth Moore says, "Tell on them to God". He will listen, He will heal those hurts. I know because He has done it so many times for me.
Another option would be to find an older woman with whom you could share your heart about these matters, someone who could mentor you.
!!
I'm sure if I listened, I'd cry or get very mad at this woman for what she said.
You know what? It seems like "forgiveness" is a Christian-y word for "shut the *%@# up already and deal with it." OH! Or "forgiveness" is really telling the other person that "it's ok b/c it all turned out for the good." Because all of us have lives that turned out for the "good" just like Joseph's, right?????
Barf.
Barf, barf, barf. You know, the "you shouldn't hold on to the bitterness" thing should be saved for people who never had an inclination to work on things, not people who work, get discouraged a bit... and work... and go through a hard patch... and work...
Well. My two cents. I praise God for friends like you. Not a fake-y sort of person, no, that's not you. And that makes people uncomfortable sometimes, bless ya.
Should I listen to this radio program? Maybe not. If I'm leaving a comment this long already LOL
Mrs. C, I am right there at the barf bucket with you *hugs*. What happened to good 'ol fashioned weeping with those who weep anyway? That's in the bible too.
More often than not, it does seem that the forgiveness sermon is Christianese for "I am uncomfortable with this, can we just have a Hollywood ending already?"
Hey if we were chocolate we'd be the more expensive kind, right? Nice and dark and bitter ;]
*SIGH* Where is Joel Osteen when I need him?! Um yeah, that's a joke.
I can relate. I have family members living that also made my life a living hell as a child. They are still alive, and I'm still, at 30 years of age, expected to sing their praises like nothing bad ever happened. I am still afraid of them. I just got brave enough to cut two of them out of my life. I have to protect my children!
I think it would be ok to talk about what you need to as long as you don't name any names. That way they can't say you were talking about them, especially if they insist what happened never did. Better yet, write it in story format, like chapters from a novel - what can they ever say, you're just expressing your dark, yet creative side, right? That's what I would do.
I'll keep praying for you.
Melissa
Hi Catherine
I've been following your blogs for a while now but I don't think i've spoken up. I love the integrity and honesty of your words- spoken from a place that is raw and real and relatable. Thankyou
Rebecca
Frequently, Christian friends don't want to be bothered hearing your problems, so they counter with "Just forgive them," which is easy for somebody to day when they have not experienced what you are going through.
There can be no true forgiveness unless there is some kind of sorrow or repentance on the part of the other person. Anything else is simply amnesty, which is pretending that they haven't done anything wrong. Not the same.
It ends up blaming the victim.
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